Yesterday was Christmas, and it flew by. The high you feel getting closer and closer to Christmas is all gone. Now, I guess I am sad...I really wanted snow but unfortunately, we got rain. I guess that is expected in NC. I am very grateful for all the people in my life. They show more love than any gift could ever show. However, I did in enjoy my gifts. I am at a confusing point. At least for the last week I have been. I am slowly trying to fix this. I really don't have much to say, or I just don't feel like bringing up the past. I hopefully will be going shopping today. Maybe everything wont be cleaned out by the time I go...

What is right? What is wrong? Who can determine that. Because other than God, I can find no one else. So, if I am meant to do something, even though it may be wrong in others eyes because it will hurt me, if God finds it right for me, I must follow. Right? Thats my problem at this moment. I ask for prayer from my close friends, and trust. Oh, how I wish I knew what I was getting myself into. Lets just say, this shall be interesting.

Winter break is going lovely. Only 4 more days until Christmas :] My Saviors birthday. I cannot wait to see the look on Porters face when we start tearing into all the presents into the tree. Will he even be interested? It is exciting. Well, I am praying for our world. Will you do the same?

SNOW

Today it snowed. Enough said. Even if it was a little bit, I still got to see beautiful, glorious snow. I am waiting for it to snow some more and cover the world in a blanket of white. BEAUTIFUL. Today I also got pink roses from a guy who is trying to gain my trust. I honestly do not know what to think of this. Since when does getting flowers mean trust... Its sweet that he likes me, but its obvious to everyone that I like someone else. So I think maybe this is just a game to him. That I am some prize that he must win. But, anyway. I am doing really well because if the certain guy I like basically makes my day. And since I have been SO busy this week, I plan on cuddling up in my bed with my polar bear, dark chocolate and watch HARRY POTTER :] I am super excited. It sounds pathetic, but its not. :] :] :] The snow definitely made my day.

Smile- Uncle Kracker

You´re better then the best
I´m lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler then the flip side of my pillow that´s right
Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where you send me
Lets me know that it´s ok yeah it´s ok
And the moments where my good times start to fade

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed sing like a bird
Dizzy in my head spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh you make me smile

Even when you´re gone
Somehow you come along
Just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack and just like that
You steal away the rain and just like that

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed sing like bird
Dizzy in my head spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh you make me smile

Don´t know how I lived without you
Cuz everytime that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed sing like bird
Dizzy in my head spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh you make me smile
Ohh you make me smile
Ohh you make me smile

I LOVE THIS SONG :] I wish I wrote it. I plan on covering it and recording it for Youtube when I get my camera this Christmas. Today has been fairly good. I need to keep faith. And I wish people would have more faith in me as well.

I need to start getting ready for a small concert with the band but I cant stop listening to this song :]

Its easy to fall back into something you have always known because you have yourself trained to each and ever aspect of it, and you hope there will be no roadblocks on the way. And I did that last night basically. Well almost. Lets just say I learned something about a past friend which didnt exactly bother me, but that made me realize running back to that part of my life would do me no good. Yet, that feeling of being wanted sill lingers in my way and it takes courage that I cannot find right now to push it away.

Today has been a good day. At school we had a firedrill, which doesnt sound too amazing, but I got to talk to a friend which made it amazing. And i talked to him after class. And on the phone for like 5 minutes. I am not weird. I just like talking to him. I got my mom another Christmas gift and one for a friend. At around 6 im going to IHOP with a few people then singing at Barnes and Noble. How exciting. I dont really feel like saying much. Sorry for the lack of enthusiasm.

Praise God

Last night I attempted to paint my nails in the dark. Why you may ask? I just didn't want to get up and turn on the lights. Lazy, yes I know. And its weird to think that I can relate painting my nails to something God has shown me. Or at least showed me last night. We know our hands, the curves, the creases and we know the shape and feel of our nails. But when there is no light to guide the nail polish brush, you grab to much finger nail polish and you mess up. You paint outside the lines and you cant get it off. Its stuck until you put forth a lot of effort to remove it. This is like our lives and world. Or at least I see it. Our world has edges, curves, guidelines if you will. And God has edges, curves, and guidelines to reach his Kingdom and live for Him. And when you grab too much paint, being way to ambitious without Gods light, you are bound to mess up. To paint the outside edges that ruin the look of your life; or your nails. That is sin. That is why God has died. For us. He died for our sins. And all he asks of us is to love Him, obey Him and know that He knows best. So next time, when I can feel sin approaching me, or my nails, I will know that Gods light and love and gentleness is always there. Praise God.

Sometimes I just want to break free from this life. Sometimes I urge to be reckless. To just not think at all. To run and only look back when my heart wants to. My heart hurts. And I try as hard as I can to stop it. To be happy. But my anger and sadness over takes me. And its frustrating. I am sick of being who I am. But today, I saw one person, didnt really speak to them, but saw their face and its the ounce of hope I needed. They probably know who they are, or possibly not, but their face and strength and prayer helped. A lot. I drove home Lauren today and told her the basics of my life right now. And when this person walked by, it felt...okay. And even though I am slowly loosing my mind and friend, I am trying my hardest to remember I am blessed.

I am patiently waiting for my jeans to dry, since I forgot to wash/dry them last night. Oops. I am listening to Hillsong on repeat. Atleast I have been for the last day and a half. It speaks to me. Like my previous post said. Last night was hard. I learned some things about some people that I didnt want to know, or just didnt feel like I could handle. Maybe I can. Maybe God is showing me and testing me so when something harder comes along, he know I can face it with my head held high. I am not looking forward to today and tomorrow. I wish winter break was here already so I could just relax and not deal with all this drama that has taken my life in the last few weeks. I guess it is my fault. I let myself like someone who God didnt see fit for me to be with. But it hurts. And now I am slowly loosing my best friend. But I praise God. He is the everlasting light in my life. He cares and loves and holds and protects me. He is glorious. And everyday I must remember that. I must remember that he gave me this life, he gave me the breath, the people, and the will to live and serve Him each day. Praise God.

Everyone needs compassion,
Love thats never failing
Let mercy fall on me

Well everyone needs forgiveness,
Kindness of a savior
The Hope of the nation

(Chorus)
Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is mighty to save,
He is mighty to save
Forever, author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again

I give my life to follow
Everything that i believe in
Now i surrender (and i surrender)

(Chorusx2)

Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing, for the glory of the risen king, Jesus
Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen king, Jesus

(Chorusx2)

Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing, for the glory of the risen king, Jesus
Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen king, Jesus

This song speaks to me.

"Savior He can move the mountain, my God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save."

How, I live by these words. How, with all my heart, I believe it is Him to do all. For me. With me. Its a song full of hope and trust. Love and peace. It offers all the ways to heal. This song was made by God and for God. I am grateful to hear every voice to sing it. Every instrument, every note, clap, all that it offers. God has put music into my world for a sole reason: to lift me up. God has given me talents that I MUST use. And yet, im scared. I lose so much in life. What if I lose a talent. What if singing, the only thing that gives me peace, is lost. What if God doesnt want me to sing anymore. What if I lose the thing that keeps me whole at this point. Yes, I have God. And I am a blessed girl. But, it hurts to think that I live this life dreaming for an unreachable dream. I put my heart and soul into believing I am good enough. And yet again, I am proved wrong. Today, a perfect example of how I lose when I was told I wouldnt. I always lose. I lose you and I lose at life. God has given me so much and I dont want to take it for granted, but I have asked for two things in my life. Him (as in another person) and to sing. And I lost one today, in the way I want atleast. What else do I live for. God? Yes, but I hurt. And I let singing clean out my dark dark heart. I pour my heart into my music because its my own Diary. God is the creator of me and He gave me words, stories, and music to share. And He can take it away. Like that. Fear of God. Its His glory I want to live for and I try so so hard. But I fall. And James is there to catch me. And I know that he will remain forever. As my friend. A friend God has blessed me with. But I let myself become a girl, someone who falls hard for someone who wont ever want her. And I get mad at God for not letting me have Cameron, but I know if He wants us to be together he will let us. But James. He is different. And I lose him. I lose. I always lose.

I am so confused about what I want these days. I know what I want as a career, I know what I want in friends. But you ask me what I want in a college, or guys, or family and I have no idea. Guys are like a mythical creature. As much as you want to understand, seek and win them over, they will always find themselves above you. More powerful and heart provoking. Creatures that confuse the living day lights out of me. SO CONFUSED. Do I want a nice boy, a fun one, a bad boy. Do I want someone to sing me to sleep or play guitar for me. Someone to play games with, or to walk down the beach with. And I can find a boy for each of these topics and yet I cant find ONE boy. Well, I lie. I have, but that just cannot happen. Atleast I dont believe it can...SEE confused.

Yesterday was a blast. But, we were going non stop. At 7 in the morning we arrived to volunteer for a winter festival. And of course, it was raining. My jeans were soaked up to my knees. My shoes and socks were soaked, and my hair looked lovely. But I meet a lot of nice people, and got some free stuff so that was nice. Me Chelsea and Abbie spent a few ours lounging around eating popcorn, cookies, cookie dough and hot chocolate. Needless to say, we snuggled up so we could get warm. We then sang at the Moravian Church. Me and Chels then watched some of P.S. I love You. Which is now my new favorite movie. Ive watched it twice today. We then went to the movies with Pope. We saw New Moon. Insanely, I fell asleep because I was dead tired. I woke up this morning incredibly tired. Best thing about today, however, is the Harry Potter marathon on, talking to James and just telling him some stuff, and talking to Mike. Cameron, I am assuming, is on his way home. Hopefully he will get here safely. I am dreading this week. And I am PRAYING for snow. I am now going to go watch Dawsons Creek and snuggle alone. I wish I had someone to snuggle with...Goodnight world.

I havent written in a couple of days because I have been super busy. What with math taking up the majority of my time, lets just say, these last couple of days were not that great. Today I learned that a family friend of mine had to put down their dog and it made me really upset. Weve known her forever and it made me realize how upset I would be if I had to put my dog, Shelby, down. Then, I got to thinking about how much I take this life, or my friends life or my families for granted. And how, God has has given me so so much and I should never ever be bored with my life nor take it for granted. And yet, I am human. Lately, God has been pulling at my heart strings telling me to reach out to non believers. Or reach out, to those who are lost. And I try so hard but I complain about MY life and how frustrating it is. But they need the help, and I become a selfish person which is anything but me. So, I have been spending the last few days in my Bible and devotional books. I have a lot, all of which God has blessed me with.

Anyway, tomorrow my chorus is singing ALL day. And it might possibly snow so I am very excited. SNOW SNOW SNOW. I can picture it now. The world is covered in a white blanket. Its cool, but you can see your breath. I am so excited for the winter. And even though I miss summer, something about winter time fills my soul with joy. When all the trees are dead, and the leaves have fallen, and everyone starts to complain about the coldness, I just wrap up and take in the worlds cold days. Ah, love it.

In a few hours I will be heading to my friends house so we can get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow to set up for the thing we are singing at...exciting. But, tomorrow is a day God has given and I will take it by the reins and live for God.

Today

Its been one of those days. The one that really really scares you and breaks you. Your heart rate increases and you just dont want to do what you know you have to. And unfortunately, as much as I wanted to run, I couldnt. So I faced today. Not with a determined face, but a face of gloom. And that is so unlike me. I didnt want pity, I really just wanted one thing. And, God sees it fit to not give me that right now. So I will wait, as long as I possibly can. If I am destined to have you, then I will wait a lifetime. Because I trust you and want you in my life. So, even though today started off with tears and heart ache, it ended with a friend. And that friend could make all the difference in the world.

Today, I found out who my true friends are. And for that, I am grateful. Today, I learned that asking for help is not a bad thing at all. It shows no sign of weakness. It shows you are not perfect, but youre trying your hardest to be the best you can be.

Even though today is been such a rough day, and it has barely started, I was looking through pictures of my little brother, and could not help but smile. So, as long as I have him, I guess I am lucky.

Life

I have learned a lot about this world in my 17 years of life. And you think you have it all figured out because life is good. Your friends are happy, your family is happy, and you are happy. And yet, one little shake in the foundation of my world, and it all falls apart. In one day, I almost lost two friends, I lost the guy I would wait for forever, I became more and more confused about what I am doing. My purpose seems to be hidden from me. I got mad at God, which I have never done before and I did not want to forgive him, but of course I did. I am a lost child in this world even though I have so much. I am by no means hopeless, for I have more than most. But, does God realize that I am lonely? Has he followed my path and found out that I am lonely enough. I need a change. Maybe not drastically. But something. I want someone who wants to hold my hand and walk with me in the park. Someone who I inspire, and someone who inspires me. I thought I had that a few years back, but I was wrong. Will God give me that? Will I become a lonely creature who grows to never trust before God gives me what I want?

Gone

Today all my seniors left me. Brandon, who I like to think of as one of my closet guys friends, hugged me tight and walked away and I am scared I wont see him again. Will him and her be together now and I wont know? Will he join the Marines and not say goodbye. Will I be able to call him whenever, at whatever time to yell and scream about the Carolina Hurricanes? 

Will I see Hannah and Katelyn anymore? Will they still go to church and visit me and rescue me from life? 

Will I see Nadia again who always puts a smile on my face :]

Will I hear from Corey again? Will he be happy? What will his life be like?

I still talk with Kerri who is hundreds of miles away, but will I remain friends with those who are closer?

It scares me so much to think of losing them. Here I am. One more year of highschool to go, and I dont have them near? It makes me incredibly sad. I should be studying for exams but my mind is so preoccupied. I just cant lose them. I dont know if I can go without seeing Brandon for that long! 

A Toast

Here's a toast...

Here's to life. Here's to never ending dreams, and frustrations. To living and dying. To breathing and feeling. Here's to the sound of the keys tapping. To the music blasting through the computer or the speakers or the headphones. Here's to the new style of dance and movement. To the rough dirt under our feet. Here's to the laughter we hear in the halls that we have nothing to do with. Here's to our happiness and others. Here's to the love we receive from the unexpected. Here's to a new life and reality. Here's to escaping. To the cellphones and the texting. Through the stupidity. To the ones who rely on others. To the ones who run away, scared. To those who lost and suffered. Those who served and died. Here's to the ones who cried. To the dollar fifty movie theatre. To the slip and slides with whipped cream and soap. To the cuts and bruises. To the YMCA and the hand stands. Here's to the laundry that is hated. To the weddings and music. To the tragic parts of life. To the musicals that bring smiles and happiness. To the dinners and desserts. Here's to the warmth from the fires and the burnt marshmellows. Here's to magazines and quizzes with friends. To painting faces and acting like fools. To yelling with the crowd about the Jonas Brothers. To messy hair, makeupless faces. To kissing and hugging. To smooth skin and rough feet. To countless tee shirts from every part of our lives. To the multiple movies and popcorn fights. To the paper that holds my writing. To the people who hold my heart. Here's to being remembered. Here's to being loved. To books that make no sense but we are forced to read anyway. Here's to Harry Potter and Twilight, no matter the battle. Here's to Secrets in Stereo and love. To creativity and skills. Here's to gossip and killer fights. Here's to shows and acting. Here's to dancing and sweating and being crazy. To long nights. Through awkward fights. Through akwardness. To the bitter fights. To the funny arguements. To the radio in your car programed to country stations. To the windows that roll down. To the breeze in your hair. To the beach and tans and suntan lotion. To Taylor Lautner and Chuck Bass. To the cups and plates and forks that feed us. To the long texts that fill up your inbox. To Facebook. To notes. To guitars and the feelings portrayed. To tears. To heartaches. Here's to running to those we love. Here's to spinning someones world around. Here's to having your world spun around and turned upside down. Here's for falling for someone. Here's for Head over Hills. Here's to crashing and knowing nothing but chocolate for days. Here's for being beautiful and unique. Here's for screaming and ranting. Here's to looking like a fool. Here's to black tie events and gowns. Here's to making mud pies and picking honey suckles. Here's to climbing in trees and then falling down. Here's to your first ride with out training wheels. Here's to following your heart. Here's to your gut. To melodies. Here's to late nights. To pretending you are a superstar and striking tons of dramatic poses. Here's to singing. Here's to the thin air that makes it hard to breath but you find a way. Here's to trying and winning and fighting. Here's to saying goodbye. Here's to being hurt. To wishing we had a second chance. Here's to stepping outside. Here's to rain. Here's to tonight. Here's to letting someone go. To letting go when it hurts the most. Showing love. Showing fear. HERE'S TO BEING FEARLESS. To puffy dresses and tight shorts. Here's to funny faces and free hair. Here's to trips with friends. To hotel rooms that are a mess after 2 days. Here's to simpleness. Here's to everyones problems. To helping. Here's to saying what you mean. Here's to saying what you mean WITH FEELING. To break ups and make ups. To children and red paint. To messes. To ice skates and hockey gear. HERE'S TO NOT QUITTING. Here's to warm showers. Here's to pointless movies and crazy books. Here's to inspiration and resting. Here's to dreaming instead of dreamless nights. Here's to waking up each day. Here's to running away. To being different. Here's to not doing what they said. Here's to Taking Away. Here's to family and eating together. To each boy. To each girl. To each birth and to each death. Here's to grabbing what we love and holding on tight. Here's to shopping trips and cold water. Here's to salt in your eye and ocean water. Here's to sandy feet. Here's to finding sand in your suitcase when you get home. Here's to ocean nights and stars in the night. Here's to saying We Did It. To Hellos and Peaces. Here's to carrying on with life. Here's to finding the right point. Here's to tomorrow and promises from a stranger. Here's to being upside down. To the time that belongs to you. Here's to no guarantees but hopes. To everything that is a day away. Here's to making someone happy. Here's to being next to you. To watching someone dream. To being lost with out that person. Here's to never wanting to live a day with out them. Here's to another second. Another minute. A thousand years. Their all the same. Here's to needing you more. Here's to time and how it stands still. Here's to harmonies with voice and movement and body and soul. Here's to tangled up words. Here's to looking from the outside in. Here's for looking for someone to pull me up. Here's to holding our breath. Here's to reaching for someone. Here's to taking the fear and the blame. Here's to no regrets. Here's to breaking the norm. Here's to me and to you.