Love

Cold.

CWR

I'm going back :)

College

I moved into college a week ago. Wow. What a crazy, superb, scary, lonely, incredible ride this is going to be. I miss home a lot, and I miss Alex a lot, even though I just saw him, but it's beautiful here. I love that I get to ride my bike anywhere I want to go on campus and that there are so many beautiful trees and moss and water. I wish Alex was always here though. So, I started classes last Wednesday and I have English, Environmental Science, Sociology, and Psychology. All my teachers are really nice and really funny. I have not exactly made friends in my classes yet because I am shy. I am pretty sure that we will start projects soon so I will have to make friends. I made some friends in my orientation group which is nice. We had dinner on Thursday so that was nice. I still wish things were different though. I wish I felt at home. I am sure a lot of college students don't feel perfectly comfortable here yet, but it still sucks.

Wish

I wish I was more than who I am to this day. I wish that I did not have to wish to be any one but me. Yet, I wish upon stars and times and fortune cookies. I wish upon the wish bone every year. I wish upon every time I see 11:11, no matter how repetitive my wish may be. Why do I wish? Why do I have to? Where did my life go and why did I lose it in the first place? What has happened to the red-head girl with a constant smile upon her freckled face. What has happen to the contagious laughter and the bittersweet tears that followed. Why is it a chase to find me when I am me every day, every moment? Or have I never known myself at all? So many questions, so many changes. So many wishes and no hope they will ever come true. Maybe that is who I am, just a simple wisher. Maybe I lived my life wishing instead of doing. How hopeless does that sound? I never wanted to be who I am today. I wanted to inspire. I wanted to guide, to help. I thought I could. But now I do not think I am strong enough to help anyone, not even myself.

I run to sad songs. I run towards emotions that hurt me, that kill me, that rip my happiness. Sounds idiotic? I guess you can say it is. I do not think so. I love feeling. I must feel. I crave feeling.

We all feel. Maybe not physically, but most definitely emotionally. And when I cannot feel happiness, or anger, or wonder of fear, I feel sadness. Because I would rather feel than be nothing. So I am, therefore, nothing but a red head of misery. Because I feel nothing else by myself.

How unbelievably sad. I wish I was more.

I cannot believe I have not blogged in almost 2 months. That's summer for ya! Except, sadly, I have not done much at all. Craziness has completely invaded my life recently starting with my grandma having to have heart surgery to her having a stroke to Alex being SO INCREDIBLY BUSY to him in school to me leaving for college and everything in between. I wish time would just slow down, but at the same time I need it to speed up. Fast. REALLY fast. Don't ask why. You don't need to hear it. Alex's birthday is tomorrow so I am really excited about that. I bought him a tattoo for his birthday about 2 weeks ago maybe. And I wanted to get him something else he can actually open on his birthday cause it makes me sad if his family all gets him something but his girlfriend does not. BUT I don't even have the money anymore...when did life get so hard? I am going to figure out something to give him. It'll be small probably and also a card, but what else can I do. I just don't want anyone disappointed in me, especially Alex. I could really use a hug right now, well, actually, it seems like every hour I need a hug. Lots of stress. I am praying for Alex non stop and I am scared I am not going to be able to do anything if something does happen. I am constantly worried he will be hurt or anything with his job. I am literally going crazy sometimes. So a hug would be well appreciated. I think my little brother woke up. Maybe I shall go see him. Actually, I will.

PEACE :)

Where have I been?? These last few weeks have been crazy. But guess what, this is my last week of high school. That is so insane to me. I have to go 2 or 3 days next week, but still. Today was my last monday. Yay! No more High School Mondays! That makes me very happy. You have no idea. I have a lot to do this week so I really should not be blogging at this time, but I feel like it. So, yeah. Prom was amazing. Enough said really. I am very happy. Incredibly happy. And though I will miss people in from school, I know I will be fine. It sucks to actually believe that true friendships are not formed in high school. Atleast not for me. I can accept that. I will miss Mimi a lot though. We have known each other since 4th grade. Weve been friends ever since. She is incredible. I will miss Liz. She is my sister. She is always here. And I love that. I will miss Cameron's hugs. I don't know how I will survive with out those. Whenever I feel like the day will be incredibly bad, he always hugs me, (like this morning) and it ends up just fine. I love that. I will miss James, even though I don't see him much. And Pope. Ah, pope. That is going to suck. Even though our friendship has changed so much lately, I still love him. Very much. And miss him greatly. That is about it. Of course, I will miss a lot of my other friends, but those in particular. So school ending isnt that bad for me. I am D.O.N.E. :]

I am stressed. so So SO stressed. You would think, knowing how seniors are and all, that english teachers would give us the paper, THE HUGE PAPER THATS WORTH A MILLION TEST GRADES, back in the beginning of the semester when I was actually focused. UGH.

yeah!

DUEL OF THE FATES IS EPIC. I seriously cannot get over how much I am in love with that song. :] :] :] Life is really really really good.

Yesterday

Yesterday was the best day of my life. No doubt. I hung out with Elaina and we talked forever at taco bell. Then we got coffee with Brooke. Then we went to the Green Tie Gala and sang. Now, we do a lot of concerts, but this one was EPIC. Can you say DUEL OF THE FATES. Holy crap. I dont even know how to describe how amazing it was. After I sort of wanted to cry. Then after I met Camerons Mom which made me even MORE happy. And I made new friends and connected with old ones last night. GOD IS SO GOOD. :] I cannot fathom how happy I am. This is incredible.

Liz

I have been thinking lately that I have found out who my true friends are. Who actually sticks around through the hard times and the rough times. Even if they are annoyed or frustrated with me. Even if they don't understand what I am doing. Liz (the other girl in the picture besides me. to the left.) is one of those people for me. And I am so thankful to have her in my life.

GLEE

I AM AUDITIONING FOR GLEE! Yay :]

How are we supposed to trust people anymore. I sure cannot find a reason to. I guess I have lived by "I will trust you until you prove me wrong." But how can that still work? Can someone please explain that to me. Because you get hurt. So much. And how do you trust someone who has proven you right a lot. How?

It's FRIDAY. Yay :] I am very excited about this. Busy Busy Busy weekend. And thats awesome. Right at this moment I am about to go to get my prom dress altered so it wont be so long anymore! And then hanging out with Alex. Yeah, I said it. Alex. I am loving today.

DUEL OF THE FATES!

I am very excited about this weekend. So, tomorrow I am getting my prom dress altered with me madre, then I really don't know after. Maybe hanging with friends and such. Then Saturday Sarah and me are going to the BEACH. YES! Beach. Beach. Beach. Oh how I love thee. I really hope it wont be TOO cold. I want to buy a yellow bathing suit.. Why you may ask? Well, on Tuesday when me and mom got to Wilmington AN HOUR AND A HALF early (haha) we decided to waste time in Target. And I tried on this ADORABLE bathing suit top that had yellow ruffles. And I loved it. But sadly, it was too big for me. Oh well. But yellows nice..Why am I talking about yellow..

Anyway. Today I am attempting to set up my math placement test for UNCW but me madre has to do it since I do not have a credit card to pay for it and all. So I THINK I am going to go to the library and get some random books and maybe some stuff on Lord of the Rings. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHHYYYY!? Cause I am writing a paper on Tolkien! Woo Hoo! Haha what an awesome topic. I am excited. But I really don't like research papers, oh well. Then I'm having dinner with Sarah and doing other stuff. Yeah! Then headed back to the good ole Benson. Woo.

I really miss some people. You know? I miss Pope and I miss Jessica and how things were. Before life sped up.

Most people are counting down the days left of highschool. Yeah, I will be so glad to be done, but I am still going to miss it. It is definitely bitter sweet. I will miss Cameron, Pope, James, RJ, and Spencer. Yeah, I will still talk to them, but I wont get to see them as much. I guess during the summer I will, but Cameron has God. Pope has Jordan. James and Lauren. RJ has music and whatever it is he will do (cough cough) and Spencer has Haley. I am so happy for all of them. They are all in love with someone or something. That is an amazing feeling. Yeah, I have it. I guess having them also just makes me life grand.

I will make it grand. I must. I just have to. I will spend my days riding my new bike (when I get it) and going to the beach and signing and making RJ write songs with me. And spending as much time with all of my friends.

Speaking of friends and writing songs and such, I wrote a song for Alex's niece the other day. I have not finished the music yet (I am hoping someone will help me/sing with me. Cough Cough RJ and Spencer) but I will. Someday. I love it so much. It's about not running away because youre scared. Just stay for those who really need you. And though people these can be all dramatic, (yes, I can be like that as well. who isnt sometimes) we are all needed. I promise you. We all make some type of purpose in this life. And thats what that songs means to me. To never ever ever give up. I say it some time, but I never actually would. I feel sorry for myself sometimes, but I would never leave. Because I am needed and wanted in some way. Yep.

So Alex stays for Stephanie. And I stay for him. Simple.

Yep, so I am going to fill out a scholarship, maybe eat some lunch. Watch a few Monks. :] Because I just can't help myself. I love it. And head to the library probably. Smile guys. Life is grand :]

At this moment I am watching Monk. Yes, I am aware that I am obsessed with him. Obsession is bad, yes, I know. However, I do not care. Some exciting news should be shared with my blog...haha..I am now excited to share that I am attending UNCW next year! WOO HOO! I am excited. Obviously. Maybe I can find something that just completes me again. Yay! It is absolutely beautiful there. GORGEOUS. I could not get over it yesterday when I visited with my mom. They ride bikes everywhere and there are so many trees and ponds. Yes, I am a nature freak sometimes. Oh, and its only 4 miles from the beach and 5 miles from downtown Wilmington. PERFECTION. I am so excitedddd :]
Unfortuantly, senioritis has finally struck me. I honestly just do not care about school anymore. Yes, I am doing homework, don't worry. But I just dont want to..my hearts not in highschool anymore. I will truly miss Mr. Yasick. And yep. Thats about it. Well, Cameron. A lot. And Pope. And RJ. And Spencer. But other than those people, I AM DONE WITH HIGHSCHOOL. It sucks. The End.

The sun feels amazing outside. I have been soaking it up for the past two hours. And oh how nice it is :]

I am really wanting to go see The Last Song. But NO. People just can't because of Miley Cyrus. Really guys?

Its just a person.

Rant.

Let's start off with a big I'M SORRY. It has been over a month since I sat down and just wrote. Yikes. What is up with that. Well, I know what's up with that. But, I shall not expose that info. A lot has happen. A lot that I would like to tell, and some, not so much. It's not that it would hurt me, but I am really trying to move past the last week or so. Move past and move on. So hard to actually do, but hey, at least I am trying! I have decided on a college. Do you want to know? Drum roll please..........UNCW! WOO. I am visiting it in the next couple of days. It just looks..right for me. Mostly, because how close it is to the beach. And you know me and the beach. Best friends and all. I am really hoping that it is the place for me. For four years.

Anyway, tonight is a Hannah and Heather night. I have not had that in forever. And I am stoked. I really need it. Enough said.

One of those things I really just want to rant about is the phrase "Let Go." Oh, how these two words have been pushed into my head the last week or so. Or my life time I guess you could say. "Let Go" of what has hurt you. "Let Go" of the past. "Let Go" of that person. "Let Go" of the remote. A phrase tossed around so much. You get what it means in most cases. MOVE ON. Yeah, Yeah. You can tell it will be best for me. It will make me realize what I am worth. Blah blah blah. I get it. I really really do. I am not that naive. HOWEVER! It's not that easy. When You pour yourself into something. A time. A Person. A Place. You don't let go. Why you may ask? Because you love it. "But it will get better!" Awesome. Cool. I get that. I do. But it's not better now. And what that Person, or place, or thing always made it better before, you cling even harder. So the "Let Go" phrase is worthless. Because you cant. Because you hope that that place or person or thing can fix this. Even if they are causing it.

Now, maybe you person (if anyone even reads this) have never felt that strong..connection..or pull towards something. You will. I know you will. Everyone has. And everyone survives. Even if they feel like they do not. But the whole "Eating a pint of ice cream while watching really sad movies and drowning in blankets with your best friends" thing, really does help.

Some take the whole "punishment" route of dealing with break ups, or fights or distance. You go ahead and do that, if that some how helps you. I don't get how it would , but maybe it does. It makes me sad that hurting the one thing or one person you love someone helps you, but I cant talk you out of it.

Then some go to extreme measures. I do not support. So I will not talk about it. Go ahead and think what you will.

I suggest mourning. Then occupying yourself. Then finding something new.

I mourned. I occupied myself. Now. The something new..

I am leaning towards writing. It makes me happy, obviously. I love ranting. Giving my side of the story. Trying my hardest to help myself while helping others.

I think I am done for the day. I don't know when my next post will be, I might start writing on my computer on Word. Or maybe I will invest in an internet card. Either way, I will be back. Writing appeals to me.

At this very moment I am listening to RJ sing me some of his songs, and I love them. :] It makes me happy to share the passion of music with someone. They make me very happy. Me and him are HOPEFULLY singing Franklin by Paramore for the Spring Assembly at school. Its going to be BEAUTIFUL. Okay. Hes done singing.

Things are changing so quickly. Life is becoming hectic or confusing. You think you know something or someone but it turns out you don't. And then that affects how you treat others. And then you push people away like you always do. You push people away you don't want to lose. You're scared you will lose the one person who means the most to you. But then again, you don't want to be too clingy. You want the other one to want you just the same. But if you don't cling for dear life, they may think you don't really care yourself. Lord, life is confusing.

Don't you just love it when you go to the doctors, hoping that they can tell you what is wrong with you, maybe give you some medicine, or something. Of course, they always end up telling you that you have just a cold, or sinus infection or virus and that they can do nothing. "Sleep, Lots of Fluids, Rest." Yeah, yeah.. I know. If you have not figured out by now, I am sick. I am actually feeling better. I got to the doctor around 7am and it took TWO hours for them to tell me to rest. ldfLJKDSkLf. Oh well. Then I got a bagel and went home and slept for like 2 hours. That was very much needed since I did not sleep very well last night. I am incredibly bored. Alex is at the dentist so I cannot really talk to him right now. I miss him so much when I am not with him. And I miss him so much when he leaves the room. OH. Okay, so I have decided that Porter, my little brother, and Stephanie, Alex's niece, are the cutes babies on the earth. I cannot get over how adorable they are. Its crazy because Stephanie is SO SMALL compared to when Porter was her age. Hes not that much older but hes a giant. Oh dear. I think one of the reasons I love her so much, well, one of the two reasons, well actually -haha- one of the three reasons I love her so much is because she has Red Hair. It makes me so happy. And I love her because she is Alex's niece and I love watching him play with her. Its beautiful and amazing. And three, because when my mom told me she was pregnant, I really wanted it to be a girl. However, it was not. And I got Porter. WHICH I AM HAPPY ABOUT. But, now I have a little girl to be around. It makes me so happy. I am so happy. I gained so much when I met Alex. So So So So much.

AH! I don't know what to do about this whole college thing. Like, I am sort of leaning into going into the nursing field, but to go to college and pay THAT much money for nursing programs when Wake Tech is like right down the road..I find that insane. Uncalled for. But then again, if I went to Wake Tech for 2 years and transfered to a 4 year college after, where would I live? Or, do I go to college and spend that much money for something I could get back home. Because I cannot major in music, so what is the point. LKDLKJSJLK.

That is how I feel. End of story.

Do you know what it feels like to hurt someone? I am sure you do. And I am sure that you hate yourself for it. I am sure that you cried and wish you could take what you said back or your action back. You probably said you would change; you said you could change. If the chance was given. And you cling to the idea of one more chance because if you dont cling, you have nothing anymore. No hope. I dont know if I have any hope remaining in me. When you meet someone that you cannot imagine your life without, someone you never dreamed of hurting, someone who finally makes you happy, and you mess it up. Or you say something or do something that hurts them, what hope is there? To me, there is none. Because having someone who you love and trust and believe in send you away or needs time to think or a break breaks you into a thousand pieces. You are a puzzle piece once again. Pieces scattered across this world; some of them may never be found. And though people say there is always hope, always something to make you happy, i would never dream of being happy with out the one person who makes me happiest. And though musicals make me happy, and reading, and dancing like a fool, I wouldnt enjoy those things anymore with out the one i love.

I push people away.

A lot of people do. It is not a trait well liked in someone's character, but it is a part of you. And I hate myself for it. Like most people would. I hate the person I am on most days. Until I met Alex, I didnt really feel wanted. I was wanted, but did not feel it. Alex gave me something to look forward to, something that I could dream of that I could reach, something that gave me a view of everlasting happiness and I am so grateful for that. I cry to think of a life with out someone I love. I yell to think that I could ever be the problem or reason for a bad ending. And now that high school is slowly coming to a close, I dread leaving here. Not just because of Alex , but because this is the first time I have been this happy and though i mess things up all the time, and though my life is not perfect and there are people in this world that do not like me half the time, i have to believe that all the happiness in the world could never measure up to how happy I am with Alex. Scary, huh?

So high school is ending. But would someone want me to stay? Or have a done enough damage in my life here to not be wanted anymore. Because that is how it feel sometimes...And as much as I want college, a 4-year college with dorm rooms and all sorts of activities, I would honestly rather stay here, get my basic classes done, then transfer. Save money. Be happy.

Of course, I really doubt people would agree. Or want me to stay. I am at a lose for words. I wrote all of this, and I yet do not know what I am saying. Don't do this. Please.

I really need to get into the habit of blogging every day like I once did. I feel better about my life and self when I do. Sort of like working out, which is something I need to start doing again. AH! I think I am going to go to the gym at least 3 times a week after 2nd period and start eating healthy again. As in, I will not be eating much at Alex's...! Oh well. I don't really know what I last blogged about, but I got into UNCC which I am very excited about and also nervous. I only had school 2 days last week because of all the snow, which basically means my Spring Break is gone. Well, not gone, but I lose one day which upsets me. And it actually just starting snowing again. Thankfully it wont stick. I am incredibly tired all the time now. I try to sleep but I toss and turn all night and I rarely can sleep in the day. I find this very annoying.

I really want to start writing again like I used to. I still have the book I started writing on my computer but I never have the time anymore. Musical practice and guitar lessons and being with Alex has taken of the majority of my time. Thats not a bad thing, but I do wish I could keep everything balanced. Balance is such a hard thing to keep when you love so much and want to do so much. From singing to writing, musicals and being with Alex, guitar lessons and constantly having to watch Porter, to worrying about college and grandparents, no wonder I am not sleeping! And its not like I need to set my priorities straight, because these are mine, and these are things I have to do. Once again BALANCE is the key. I really do not know what I feel about going to college. I am scared, but I am excited. I will miss my mom, but half of me thinks that it is best that I leave. I need time to think. What do I really want? Am I doing certain things to please those around me or am I doing these things for myself. Knowing me, its for others. I try not to be selfish. Yes, I fail sometimes, but in my heart I know who I am and I know that I desire to give everything to everyone and save nothing for myself. Which is what I tend to do. No one really notices or prizes it, but I guess thats the price I have to pay. I know I am worth something, but I would rather not be happy just so someone else is in any way. Blah. Writing that just made me really sad.

On to a happier note, I HOPEFULLY will be seeing Dear John tonight. If not with Alex, I shall go alone. I have to find my waterproof mascara...it will be needed if its anything like the book. I started to reread the book today and I am already hooked. Again. It takes nothing for me to become attached to a book or a show these days. Oh, how will I ever survive. The other night, for instance, I had a dream about Gilmore Girls, which I am obsessed with. And when I say obsessed, I mean OBSESSED. Anyway, they had made another season and I WAS IN IT. Of course, that will never happen, but the dream made me happy and sad at the same time. I know people say that quote or line that goes something along the lines of "why sleep when your reality is better than your dreams" but I find that quote...misleading. Because you can always dream up something you will never have and it still makes you happy. Reality isnt just the awake part, reality is all we experience. And we experience dreams nightly.

I find it hard to believe that people believe that line, but hey, its not my place to judge. To each his own.

To each his own. I adore that line. I feel that phrase can just sum of how we can become a perfect society. Utopia. If we would all just say those words and think about what they mean, people would understand. Its about acceptance. Maybe not understanding, but full on acceptance. The thing in this world that people just cannot do. We are stubborn creatures. Do not get me wrong, I am just as stubborn as the next guy, but I try my hardest to accept someone else's opinion. It takes a good person to do that. Someone who wants to have that quality or good character is someone special and good. To each his own. Live by it.

I guess I should stop writing. I will probably go read some more or think. Which everyone comes to me first. Au revoir.

Happy

I have not been this happy in a long time. Actually, I take that back. I have never been this happy. I am relaxed. At ease with the world I have. I have a beautiful boyfriend who does just about anything for me. He fits with me perfectly, like I fit with him. It's like a puzzle. A whole puzzle. I could never ask for any better in my life. I have a best friend that I can rely on all the time. She is always there for me and I am always there for her. Its a friendship that can survive anything. I have my mom who understands just about everything. And always cares and looks out for me. I am so happy to have the mom I have. I have a little brother who is my pride and joy. I would do anything for him and will miss him greatly when I have to leave for college. I have Brooke, who always puts a smile on my face. Who understands and listens to me when others judge. I have a closer relationship with my Dad. One I thought I would never get. I treasure it greatly. I have loving grandparents, a new almost Step Mom who I relate to a lot. Who makes my Dad happy. I have a life full of love and laughter and treasure and beauty. I am thrilled with the life I have.

HAPPY

TODAY HAS BEEN THE BEST DAY IN A LONG TIME :]

Today, was Kara's last day in high school. She is leaving me, and I shall miss her, but I am so excited for her :] AND we picked new songs for our singing valentines group. AKA HEATHER IS HAPPY. And I just had my last day in math class in high school. Exciting. It has just been an amazing day. I am so thankful for KARA, BROOKE, CHELSEA, ABBIE, KATE, CAMERON, JAMES, ALEX, POPE, EVERYONE IN MY MEDICAL SCIENCE CLASS, AND EVEN ERIC CONNOR, who I wont see anymore probably. I would have to say the last day of the semester was amazing :] I am all smiling. I cannot stop listening to these songs and dancing. I kind of want/need to go read a book so I will stop jumping up and down. Life is really great right now. THANK YOU GOD. :] :] :] :] :] :] :] That is 7 smiles for the world. Be thankful. Nothing can bring me down from this natural high today.

You know that feeling where you feel like you're going to be sick because you have not slept enough..thats EXACTLY how I feel right now...wonderful.

On a happier note....LAST DAY OF SCHOOL. EXEMPT FROM EXAMS. SLEEP. Yes, I am excited.

Things change in a matter of minutes...I go from so happy, to so sad. How do I get blamed for everything...

Music feeds my Soul

Whoa, I have not blogged in a LONG time. Christmas time was really busy and school started back and then musical auditions. HECTIC. Well, I got into the musical. This year we are doing You're A Good Man Charlie Brown. How exciting. I am actually the Little Red Headed Girl (I wonder why) and I am Sally's understudy. Woo. Go me. These lasts few weeks have been..well lets just say interesting. I fought with my best friend, who doesn't really tell me anything anymore. Or doesn't want to. It frustrates me, but I am trying my hardest to not let it get to me. I find it so hard to relate to people these days. Because everyone seems to get upset or mad or something these days. And I don't understand why. People become defensive over the smallest things. It confuses me. Maybe, its because I am happy and I wont let the small things upset me. I am happy for the first time in a long time. And I cannot help but want to share my happiness even though half my friends don't really care. But honestly, it doesn't bother me. I find myself relying more and more on my music. It is what is here for me. It holds me at night when someone hurts me, showers me in love when love isnt found anywhere else. So I write. And its a wonderful feeling. At this moment, I am talking to someone who also loves music and writing and singing the way I do, and it feels good to have someone to relate to me like that. Most people think its amazing that I write and sing and stuff, but no one understands...except him. It feels nice to not be alone in this world. Anyway, so I plan on recording covers soon. Then hopefully demos. I just am ready for my life to start. Singing. Anything really. And to be honest, I want new people. Because it seems like I am not good enough for a lot of people in my life. But, it doesnt bother me. Those people in my life who randomly decide im not good enough or not worth their time, well, ill write a song about you. And I will get over it. Thats the beauty of music. I am in love with singing and writing. I cannot picture myself with any other life. And even if my parents or grandparents do not support me, I will try. Because its heartbreaking to me to think of any thing else.