AH! I don't know what to do about this whole college thing. Like, I am sort of leaning into going into the nursing field, but to go to college and pay THAT much money for nursing programs when Wake Tech is like right down the road..I find that insane. Uncalled for. But then again, if I went to Wake Tech for 2 years and transfered to a 4 year college after, where would I live? Or, do I go to college and spend that much money for something I could get back home. Because I cannot major in music, so what is the point. LKDLKJSJLK.

That is how I feel. End of story.

Do you know what it feels like to hurt someone? I am sure you do. And I am sure that you hate yourself for it. I am sure that you cried and wish you could take what you said back or your action back. You probably said you would change; you said you could change. If the chance was given. And you cling to the idea of one more chance because if you dont cling, you have nothing anymore. No hope. I dont know if I have any hope remaining in me. When you meet someone that you cannot imagine your life without, someone you never dreamed of hurting, someone who finally makes you happy, and you mess it up. Or you say something or do something that hurts them, what hope is there? To me, there is none. Because having someone who you love and trust and believe in send you away or needs time to think or a break breaks you into a thousand pieces. You are a puzzle piece once again. Pieces scattered across this world; some of them may never be found. And though people say there is always hope, always something to make you happy, i would never dream of being happy with out the one person who makes me happiest. And though musicals make me happy, and reading, and dancing like a fool, I wouldnt enjoy those things anymore with out the one i love.

I push people away.

A lot of people do. It is not a trait well liked in someone's character, but it is a part of you. And I hate myself for it. Like most people would. I hate the person I am on most days. Until I met Alex, I didnt really feel wanted. I was wanted, but did not feel it. Alex gave me something to look forward to, something that I could dream of that I could reach, something that gave me a view of everlasting happiness and I am so grateful for that. I cry to think of a life with out someone I love. I yell to think that I could ever be the problem or reason for a bad ending. And now that high school is slowly coming to a close, I dread leaving here. Not just because of Alex , but because this is the first time I have been this happy and though i mess things up all the time, and though my life is not perfect and there are people in this world that do not like me half the time, i have to believe that all the happiness in the world could never measure up to how happy I am with Alex. Scary, huh?

So high school is ending. But would someone want me to stay? Or have a done enough damage in my life here to not be wanted anymore. Because that is how it feel sometimes...And as much as I want college, a 4-year college with dorm rooms and all sorts of activities, I would honestly rather stay here, get my basic classes done, then transfer. Save money. Be happy.

Of course, I really doubt people would agree. Or want me to stay. I am at a lose for words. I wrote all of this, and I yet do not know what I am saying. Don't do this. Please.