Praise God

Last night I attempted to paint my nails in the dark. Why you may ask? I just didn't want to get up and turn on the lights. Lazy, yes I know. And its weird to think that I can relate painting my nails to something God has shown me. Or at least showed me last night. We know our hands, the curves, the creases and we know the shape and feel of our nails. But when there is no light to guide the nail polish brush, you grab to much finger nail polish and you mess up. You paint outside the lines and you cant get it off. Its stuck until you put forth a lot of effort to remove it. This is like our lives and world. Or at least I see it. Our world has edges, curves, guidelines if you will. And God has edges, curves, and guidelines to reach his Kingdom and live for Him. And when you grab too much paint, being way to ambitious without Gods light, you are bound to mess up. To paint the outside edges that ruin the look of your life; or your nails. That is sin. That is why God has died. For us. He died for our sins. And all he asks of us is to love Him, obey Him and know that He knows best. So next time, when I can feel sin approaching me, or my nails, I will know that Gods light and love and gentleness is always there. Praise God.

Sometimes I just want to break free from this life. Sometimes I urge to be reckless. To just not think at all. To run and only look back when my heart wants to. My heart hurts. And I try as hard as I can to stop it. To be happy. But my anger and sadness over takes me. And its frustrating. I am sick of being who I am. But today, I saw one person, didnt really speak to them, but saw their face and its the ounce of hope I needed. They probably know who they are, or possibly not, but their face and strength and prayer helped. A lot. I drove home Lauren today and told her the basics of my life right now. And when this person walked by, it felt...okay. And even though I am slowly loosing my mind and friend, I am trying my hardest to remember I am blessed.

I am patiently waiting for my jeans to dry, since I forgot to wash/dry them last night. Oops. I am listening to Hillsong on repeat. Atleast I have been for the last day and a half. It speaks to me. Like my previous post said. Last night was hard. I learned some things about some people that I didnt want to know, or just didnt feel like I could handle. Maybe I can. Maybe God is showing me and testing me so when something harder comes along, he know I can face it with my head held high. I am not looking forward to today and tomorrow. I wish winter break was here already so I could just relax and not deal with all this drama that has taken my life in the last few weeks. I guess it is my fault. I let myself like someone who God didnt see fit for me to be with. But it hurts. And now I am slowly loosing my best friend. But I praise God. He is the everlasting light in my life. He cares and loves and holds and protects me. He is glorious. And everyday I must remember that. I must remember that he gave me this life, he gave me the breath, the people, and the will to live and serve Him each day. Praise God.

Everyone needs compassion,
Love thats never failing
Let mercy fall on me

Well everyone needs forgiveness,
Kindness of a savior
The Hope of the nation

(Chorus)
Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is mighty to save,
He is mighty to save
Forever, author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again

I give my life to follow
Everything that i believe in
Now i surrender (and i surrender)

(Chorusx2)

Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing, for the glory of the risen king, Jesus
Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen king, Jesus

(Chorusx2)

Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing, for the glory of the risen king, Jesus
Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen king, Jesus

This song speaks to me.

"Savior He can move the mountain, my God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save."

How, I live by these words. How, with all my heart, I believe it is Him to do all. For me. With me. Its a song full of hope and trust. Love and peace. It offers all the ways to heal. This song was made by God and for God. I am grateful to hear every voice to sing it. Every instrument, every note, clap, all that it offers. God has put music into my world for a sole reason: to lift me up. God has given me talents that I MUST use. And yet, im scared. I lose so much in life. What if I lose a talent. What if singing, the only thing that gives me peace, is lost. What if God doesnt want me to sing anymore. What if I lose the thing that keeps me whole at this point. Yes, I have God. And I am a blessed girl. But, it hurts to think that I live this life dreaming for an unreachable dream. I put my heart and soul into believing I am good enough. And yet again, I am proved wrong. Today, a perfect example of how I lose when I was told I wouldnt. I always lose. I lose you and I lose at life. God has given me so much and I dont want to take it for granted, but I have asked for two things in my life. Him (as in another person) and to sing. And I lost one today, in the way I want atleast. What else do I live for. God? Yes, but I hurt. And I let singing clean out my dark dark heart. I pour my heart into my music because its my own Diary. God is the creator of me and He gave me words, stories, and music to share. And He can take it away. Like that. Fear of God. Its His glory I want to live for and I try so so hard. But I fall. And James is there to catch me. And I know that he will remain forever. As my friend. A friend God has blessed me with. But I let myself become a girl, someone who falls hard for someone who wont ever want her. And I get mad at God for not letting me have Cameron, but I know if He wants us to be together he will let us. But James. He is different. And I lose him. I lose. I always lose.

I am so confused about what I want these days. I know what I want as a career, I know what I want in friends. But you ask me what I want in a college, or guys, or family and I have no idea. Guys are like a mythical creature. As much as you want to understand, seek and win them over, they will always find themselves above you. More powerful and heart provoking. Creatures that confuse the living day lights out of me. SO CONFUSED. Do I want a nice boy, a fun one, a bad boy. Do I want someone to sing me to sleep or play guitar for me. Someone to play games with, or to walk down the beach with. And I can find a boy for each of these topics and yet I cant find ONE boy. Well, I lie. I have, but that just cannot happen. Atleast I dont believe it can...SEE confused.

Yesterday was a blast. But, we were going non stop. At 7 in the morning we arrived to volunteer for a winter festival. And of course, it was raining. My jeans were soaked up to my knees. My shoes and socks were soaked, and my hair looked lovely. But I meet a lot of nice people, and got some free stuff so that was nice. Me Chelsea and Abbie spent a few ours lounging around eating popcorn, cookies, cookie dough and hot chocolate. Needless to say, we snuggled up so we could get warm. We then sang at the Moravian Church. Me and Chels then watched some of P.S. I love You. Which is now my new favorite movie. Ive watched it twice today. We then went to the movies with Pope. We saw New Moon. Insanely, I fell asleep because I was dead tired. I woke up this morning incredibly tired. Best thing about today, however, is the Harry Potter marathon on, talking to James and just telling him some stuff, and talking to Mike. Cameron, I am assuming, is on his way home. Hopefully he will get here safely. I am dreading this week. And I am PRAYING for snow. I am now going to go watch Dawsons Creek and snuggle alone. I wish I had someone to snuggle with...Goodnight world.