I've been writing a lot lately, then realized why not just write on my blog which is the point of this. I have been coming to Starbucks a lot lately to just write. I like it. It is always cold here. It keeps my mind awake and flowing, which is definitely what I need right now. It keeps me awake. I really miss him, more than I thought I would. No, that is a lie. I knew I'd miss him, but I expected it to hurt a little less now. 2 weeks. It isnt that long, but at the same time it is. And the one person I need right now is not really here anymore. It is like I am no longer existing without the two people I gave my all too. Every song out there reminds me of one of the other. Both broke my heart. Both loved me. Both left. It is just wonderful. Sometimes I wish I could just stand up in the middle of this coffee shop and scream and let people stare at me like I was crazy. I don't think I would care. Sometimes I have to fight back tears. They sting and make it hard to see. My eyes are sure to be red and bloodshot. I doubt people notice around me. They have their own problems and lives but I wish someone would. Someone I don't know at all, who cannot judge me for they don't know my past. Maybe they would listen and give me the best advice. Or maybe they would look at me like I was absolutely insane. Either way, it would be a new perspective.
You know how everyone has a moment they want to go back in time too? I have two. One I was taken. One I was single. Both equally happy parts in my life. Both that have helped mold me into what I am right now. I miss them both for different reasons. Maybe I wouldnt have screwed up so badly if I just stayed where I was supposed to be and kept falling for someone I knew I couldnt have. Or maybe I would have married the guy I love deeply if I didn't know the fellow guy. Both impossible now, but both run through my mind. I loved them both in totally different ways. Both invade my mind some times. But one stands out from the other in a totally different reason. And I cant go back to that.